Burgundy Ceiling
2018
A story of young love.
(poetry chapbook)
So Blue
When I say that I am blue,
I do not mean that I am sad,
Because blue has not meant sad
Since the day I met you.
No, blue is printed in love on my back
And in the college we met over my heart,
The strings I pull and tie under my chin,
Like you and I, entwined in blue cotton.
Blue is alive and twinkling,
The stars in your eyes enveloped by black holes
As our blue veins throb with ecstasy,
Dancing under blue lights.
If I am the earth, that makes you the sky,
Azure, untouched by creeping storms,
Oxford, illuminated by our lunar priest.
If I am the earth, that makes you the oceans,
Ultramarine, filling me fully,
No distance between our bodies.
Blue is the humble gift on your wrist,
Plastic turned sapphire by your touch,
The reservation in my eyes
Turned desire by your gaze.
Blue does not impress you,
But you are too close to see
That red causes pain and yellow blinds;
Orange destroys and green dies;
Purple poisons and pink lies;
But blue, my darling,
Blue is your grin and your smeck and your voice,
My name upon your lips,
It is my hand entwined in yours,
My head rested on your shoulder,
A cigarette passed between cold fingers,
A sip of hot chocolate warming my chest.
Blue is the secrets we keep from the world,
And every moment we share with it.
Blue is everything we have done together
And it is everything we will do.
So when I say that I am blue,
I do not mean that I am sad,
No, I mean the opposite.
Because when I say that I am blue,
I mean that I am full of love for you,
Every dyed strand,
Every painted toe,
Look me in my eyes and you will see,
My love,
I am so blue.
Dream of Me
The sweetest dreams, my sleepy bean;
Dream of sheep and fields of green.
Dream of me on stairs we meet,
Dream of cattle and of geese.
Dream of picnics along a creek,
Of cottages, wrapped in ivy;
Dream of nights spent between sheets,
Of the moon, and of stars’ gleams.
Dream of waking at the cock’s scream,
Of making love among sunbeams.
Dream of me at sweet nineteen,
Dream of me in dreams undreamed.
Magic
When I was eight I dreamt of going to a place,
A place that was different, one that has never existed;
I stared out my window, the tears were persistent,
I dreamt of a boy whose power was unrestricted,
Unrealistically depicted, I wanted to be saved;
The street lights dimmed, but he never came
And life remained the same til I went away,
Fast forward twelve years when I boarded a plane.
At this point I’d accepted, magic left me neglected,
But I wanted to be free of the pain I’d been subjected
And I never would have suspected I'd be so affected
By someone I met and left, this is unexpected.
You know, I told the girls my true love would write poems,
That it would be the way I got to know him,
And I’d write too, it’s the only way I can open.
The other day you wrote about me, my heart was stolen
And tears were flowing ‘cause I’d never noticed how
I’ve got everything I’ve ever needed now;
I’ve made a vow, maybe someday I’ll say it aloud
In front of you, a god, an entire crowd,
But for now I’m happy just as we are,
But I’ll be happier when I’m in your arms,
Under red lights and cotton sheets, seeing stars;
I’ll be using every moan in my repertoire.
Baby you saved me, I want you to feel my gratitude,
Every inch of my body was designed for you.
You could make me sing, make me brand new,
Redefine me like you redefined blue,
And you know it’s true, this love I feel,
Though I’ll admit that I’m afraid it isn't real,
I’m afraid that being close to you will reveal
That I’m too much or not enough, but its concealed,
Concealed by the distance, and another thing:
I can’t be satisfied when you're away from me,
And I’m scared that when I see you next spring
I’ll still feel empty even when we’re kissing.
But that’s just the insecurity,
The fear of my demons keeping me unhappy,
But baby, this feeling is new to me,
I’m so in love with you, fears are silly.
You know, I’ve come a long way to get here,
I mean, I’ve travelled time and the northern hemisphere,
And I’m hoping that I’m making this crystal clear:
You’re the magic I've been looking for all these years.
A Passionate Crab to Her Sea-Goat
(a sonnet)
You once told me a story of love of such depth
That time was reversed so that it may never die,
But destiny cannot be controlled or kept,
And we cannot swim the sea that divides.
But I’ll tell you of a loyalty so strong
That death came to him who fought for her heart;
Written in the stars, we know sacrifice belongs
Of our ruling gods who keep us apart.
From the moment we were born they've lived inside,
One with value of heart, one with value of mind,
And watched our paths twist, turn, and entwine,
Forging a balance of earth, of water and of sky.
Oh, how I long to fly as your god travelled sea,
And mine travelled land, so at your side I may be.
Spring
(when we thought it’d be a year)
In two springs’ time, I’ll return to you
And from my center the sun shall radiate;
When your lone rose is in full bloom,
My petals will open and saturate.
For through next rains I’ll remain hidden
And avert my eye from bumbling might;
When the pond between us becomes unfrozen,
My Sweet William, I shall take flight.
Once the sun rises on sweetest May,
I beg you’ll shine down on me:
Breathe in my vibrant bouquet,
So nurture me to sweet acme;
And when we lay entwined upon our rosebed,
I pray convince Flora spring never end.
Lucky Girl
You said “I don’t get lucky, no,
You won’t find luck with me.”
Well, luck found me some time ago
And spent its energy.
So, I know I won’t win money-
I’ll work until I die-
And I know I won’t be famous,
Though, you don’t mind I try.
Luck has nothing more to give
Since you’ve said you are in love,
But I never needed luck to live,
Sure love would be enough.
So, as long as you are by my side,
I’m happy with this unlucky life.
Every Night
(until I next see you)
Every night
the moon takes your hand
and guides you to bed;
a soft wind carries your name
and lulls you to sleep;
a million stars fall behind your eyelids
and gift you a dream;
A hundred planes fly to you
and I count every mile
hoping that by the last I’ll have
made it there, too.
My November
(composed of lyrics from Tyler, The Creator's Flower Boy)
I’ve been in this fucking room so long,
Taking requests, desperate as hell.
What if I got stuck?
If I go and don’t come back,
Maybe then I’ll know.
Heart is low,
Do I go?
-
Time flies
As sun sets at the border,
Out this world.
-
Hello?
What’s your name?
Follow my lead, we’re going to dance
And loiter in parking lots.
Grab the rings of Saturn,
Look at my face, I can’t even lie:
You've been heavy on my mind.
There’s something more to say,
If I could,
If you could,
Find the words to say
“You don't have to hide,
You're the one that I needed in my life,
I hope you agree.”
-
Time flies,
I bloom
Out this world.
-
Now do I stay?
That's what I want but I can't.
Do I go? Without you,
Guessing nothing lasts forever,
That’s my dilemma...
Here’s my number,
And if I fall and don’t come back,
Call me.
You know I’ll answer.
-
Wait-
Time flies
Out this world.
-
Time travel back and help me find
My baby.
Take me back to November
When I fell in love with someone.
Take me back to November
And make it last forever.
Burgundy Ceiling
I led you through low branches and prickly underbrush past a fence meant to keep us out. I didn’t want to turn back; we had spent too much time walking up and down streets already, too much time taking wrong turns and I was worried that your first night in Boston was going badly. So, I marched forward, nervous and embarrassed and, despite your better judgement, you followed.
We made it to the park by midnight. I consider it our park, lit by orange street lamps and your five-pound lighter. You sat on the bench and I sat on the grass in front of you— it was a far seat from you, but I wanted to look at your face in front of mine, I wanted to take it all in for the first time— as you lit the canon I made to impress you.
I'm sorry I nearly killed you.
It won’t ever happen again.
I remember you talked about your family and some other things. I don’t remember all the details now, but after a while I beckoned you to me: “You’re here! We’re so close now, I can feel you— I can’t feel you, come closer!”
So, you laid upon the grass beside me. I remember your heart beating so fast, you were so high. Well, I was too. It felt like a dream to have you next to me. Too fantastic to be real. I wanted to kiss you, but it wasn’t the time: we were too high and I wanted to memorise this new feeling.
Laying beside you, looking at your face so close to mine, our hands entwined— I had wished for it every night. Laying in bed with my phone at my head, humming and mumbling, your face spent too much time trapped in a small rectangle. You were my very own lifetime movie, and I watched you religiously.
You called it extreme and it was. I felt everything before those moments become full. Every heartbreak and lesson learned before then merely rising actions anticipating a resounding climax. And no other feeling could ever compare to your warmth beside me, the grass beneath our bodies (our bed), and the vast burgundy sky above us (our ceiling). Happiness that I’ve never known overcame me, a pure, juvenile joy that you gave me. A tear fell to the earth that cradled us, and I felt the leaves fold over to a new chapter titled Forever.
I spent so much time lost and searching for my voice and the story the universe sent me to tell. I wondered if I had one at all. I wondered if my purpose was just an afterthought from the gods. But everything I ever hoped for, everything I promised myself I didn’t deserve, was laying beside me, in flesh and blood, and loved me back.
You, my love, are no afterthought.
I felt the atmosphere above and the dirt below travelling in space with us. I could see our paths behind and our future before us. The stars showed me visions of eternity and your hand remained in mine throughout all of time. Our endless burgundy ceiling opened itself to us and I vowed then to write about it all.
I’ve been taught that there’s nothing new to be said about love. It’s all been written or sung. That’s what they’ll say when they read my words, too. But they don’t understand that no word written before you has had any meaning. Every love song and every sonnet has inspired no important feeling, and no important feeling inspired them. So I’ll rewrite every word and maybe a few of my own, and all of it will be new. Maybe one day they’ll understand that without you true love is a fallacy and every declaration of the feeling has been a piteous misunderstanding. I’ll write until they understand:
You are the very beginning of love.
The Feds
When I see you next, I will not leave,
I’ll hide in your bed ‘til they take me.
But when they come we’ll both run
To someplace they can’t find us.
We’ll tease them with a trail of love
To the horizon, after the sun;
They’ll chase us to the very edge,
But we’ll float up, up off the ledge
To live safely among the stars
With our good friends Vega and Mars.
We’ll make our home upon the moon
And they’ll curse our taunting croon.
There we’ll live for fellow lovers’ eyes,
Where the law of earth does not apply.
