Post-London
2018
(poetry collection)
Answers, 2018
I.
He looks to me for answers,
His gaze is so desperate,
Questions spilling from his tongue.
He can’t help it;
He thinks I have them all.
II.
He was there, he watched my fall,
Took pleasure in it as I called,
“Baby, come,
I want you to come,
Won’t you come help me?”
And he came,
Draining and filling, draining and filling,
And draining again.
III.
I had hope and he quelled it,
Rolled it, smoked it, and stomped it out,
Left the blood and ash and cum,
Left me empty.
Disappointed that I had no more to give,
He left me,
And that was it for a while.
IV.
I think I make him feel smart,
He asks me about films and books and art,
That’s what he fills himself with,
He figures that’s how I must’ve done it,
But he doesn’t feel what I feel.
I’ve been filled to the brim,
I’ve never been like this,
And he’s envious,
I’ve “cracked the code on happiness.”
V.
He thinks I have the answers
To why he feels so empty,
But answers don’t interest him,
Not really.
He just wants to be full of something,
Something different, he knows I have it.
He’ll drain me ‘til he’s high on it,
And I’m dry of it,
He’ll tell me I’m tripping
With his hands outstretched behind me.
And I’ll climb again ‘til I’m full again,
‘Til I’m back at his feet,
His eyes looking to me,
Baring his teeth,
Desperate and hungry
For answers, answers, answers.
About Love
2018
He says he loves me
and I’ve heard those words before,
just once, when I was young,
when I didn’t know what love was:
He said he loved me
and threatened to take his life
when I wasn’t happy,
when my love was fickle.
He says he loves me
and he means it
and he wants me happy
no matter how I attain it.
He says he loves me,
he wishes he could put his arms around me,
he wishes he could wake up next to me,
we wish this distance would disappear.
He says he loves me,
says he’s made a promise
to stay true to my voice alone
for the entirety of a year.
He says he loves me,
yet she wants him.
He says he loves me
but I can feel the distance growing.
He says he loves me
so I believe him
because I know it's hard,
but I know it's true.
He says he loves me
when I say "I love you"
but I think he’s speaking to someone else.
I think I am too.
He says he loves me
but I am not there to be loved,
and, like me, he’s young,
and love is a fickle thing.
He says he loves me
but it will be a long time
until he makes love to me.
He says he loves me
and when I was his age
I thought I was in love too.
He says he loves me
and I don’t know about love.
420
2018
I anticipate the day the sun
That warms my grizzled summer home
Bears down on us all, ridding me
Of a declarative green parka and
Looming green boots.
Bare shoulders will absorb the
Rhythm of the heat, allowing me to
Move immersively as if
A daddy long leg were maneuvering an
Open window. Every
Crack in every wooden joint will relent,
Absorbed by humidity.
The house at ease, my center
Pacified,
My mother unknowing that I am
Alight upon her dwelling, dazzled
By the only Earthly element both
God and the Devil
Vie for.
The Sun
2018
There once was a girl who loved the Sun
and the way She glowed;
She was dazzling and bright
and radiated warmth on cool spring days.
When the Sun hid behind clouds and
rain froze the earth, the girl ached for Her.
She loved to look at Her, though not for long:
it hurt her to look for too long.
But she wanted to admire the Sun,
to take in all Her shining, glittering glory.
So,
One day she stared,
and stared,
and the Sun seemed pleased,
shining more brilliantly than ever.
The girl cried out but she wouldn't look away--
nothing could make her look away from her Sun,
giving life to her and the Earth.
Her eyes watered and her skin burned,
but she stared.
Love flushed her cheeks and dizzied her head,
and she fell all over again for that Sun.
And soon it was dark.
She could feel the heat of the Sun
raw on her skin,
on her face,
but light escaped her.
She could not see colour.
She could not see anything.
She screamed.
All she did was worship the Sun,
and all the Sun did in return
was blind her.
Face Time
2018
She asks for you and you pretend not to hear
As you dim the lights and mute the microphone
Take her now and every day of this year
Plug your earbuds into a head that’s hollow.
Lay me down, no one needs to know
That I’m your secret, hidden in your pocket
Wherever you go, I have no choice but follow
A ghost in your shadow, a skeleton in your closet.
